I have been learning a great deal about grace and gentleness in the last year or so. Much of it, perhaps, without even realizing it.
It started with my second time through Gospel 101, an “intensive” offered periodically by my church. It is a pretty intense study, not because it is especially complex or new material, but because it really – as you might expect – gets to the heart of the gospel. Which is to say, makes you realize just how desperately in need of grace you are.
Then, I found myself in the kind of relationship where you begin to realize just how broken you really are – not in a bad way, just in a, “Well… that’s never been so noticeable before…” sort of way. And as in all relationships that delve beneath the superficial to the heart of a person, had to figure out both how to give and receive grace more openly.
What is more, I noticed grace popping up more frequently in our culture – I have always been uncomfortable with shows that derive most of the humor from making the husband look like an idiot and the wife look like the all-knowing ruler of the household.
But recently, I have seen secular, pop-culture hits like Parenthood, Downton Abbey, even Modern Family bring themes of grace and forgiveness to the screen. It is refreshing to see wives apologize to their husbands, teenagers apologize to their parents, siblings apologize to each other – and see how those relationships are restored and improved by the extension of contrition and grace.
More than anything, though, I am learning to be graceful toward myself. I am a perfectionist by nature, and prefer efficiency over just about everything. But I do not always comply with my own standards, especially when it comes to my own emotions.
I cannot tie up my feelings in a neat little bow. I cannot always accomplish what I set out to do in the morning, be it due to those feelings or patient care needs or just an over-estimation of my own abilities.
I have, in the past, beat myself up over such shortcomings. I have made myself to feel incompetent, or overly emotional, or foolish. I have told myself that other people handle these things just fine, why can’t I? In case it’s not clear… that’s really not a good way to encourage yourself.
A few weeks ago, my pastor preached on Jesus and the Samaritan woman at the well. And he pointed out many things, but the thing that stood out most to me was Jesus’ approach to the woman.
Jesus did not meet her in the town square and point out all her sin. He did not even approach her in front of his disciples. He waited until they were alone, and then – before he even mentioned her sins – he offered her life. It was only when she challenged him that he could not provide such a thing to her that he even mentioned how deeply she needed him.
He was gentle with her. He did not humiliate her or shame her. And not only did her offer her life, but he first engaged her in a way that would have made him ceremonially unclean by Jewish custom – asking for her to give him a drink of water.
And if Jesus, who has every right to call out each one of our sins, can be gentle with a woman whom he shouldn’t have culturally been speaking to in the first place, why can’t I offer the same gentleness to myself?
It doesn’t mean not seeing sin or areas to trust more fully… it’s just a different way to go about it. It is not beating myself up just because I only got 5 of the 7 things on my list done today. It’s allowing myself to feel an emotion without judging myself for feeling it in the first place. It’s a willingness to be in the place I am, rather than the place I wish I could be.
Which is why, I think, I have found yoga to be such a place of grace – over and over, every class, we are told, “This is not a performance, this is a practice. It is a journey. It will never be perfect. There will always be more. Be gentle with yourself. Be where you are today, not where your neighbor is today or where you would like to be tomorrow. Be present. Tomorrow will come.” It is grace-to-self taking on physical form.
And the more grace I extend to myself, the more I find I am able to extend to others.
I don’t always succeed in extending such grace. Today I honked and yelled at a car for getting into my lane without using a turn signal, then realized their back tail light was broken. Oh. Oops. Sorry.
Just another step on the road of grace.
Quote for the day:
“The best way to help the world is to start by loving each other, not blandly, blindly, but realistically, with understanding and forebearance and forgiveness.” - Madeleine L’Engle